DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018