Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
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If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
yes… yes…
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”