HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors