Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Guantanamo Bae
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers