[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
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Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
me before I type out affect or effect
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever