To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
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There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I don’t get marriage
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.