I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
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[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Writing, She Murdered.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie