Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please