I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
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*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..