*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
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Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
awkward
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?