I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
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kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”