Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
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Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.