[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
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Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.