My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.