What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
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Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.