BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
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*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.