me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
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I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’