“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
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Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot