So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
You Might Also Like
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…