I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
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Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Rather alarming headline…
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
It was worth a shot 😂
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
my nickname in college
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.