Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this