*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
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don’t be scared
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Storm Tropical Storm
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.