No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
🤣could you imagine
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.