I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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Overindulged this afternoon.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Body by sandwich.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,