2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread