I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
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[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective