Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Twitter fine art
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.