[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
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I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Sing it!
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world