I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.