In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
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NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…