This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
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People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
*watches the world burn*
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.