So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
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How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something