I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…