I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
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I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me