*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
You Might Also Like
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!