Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
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I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”