HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
oh shit
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that