Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
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Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I feel it
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance