I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
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Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
New menu item
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.