HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
i want to work in this restaurant
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.