Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
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me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?