My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
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me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Thoughts
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Had an epiphany today.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”