Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
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her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.