Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
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I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I am yelling
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?