They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
My first son he is wonderful
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.