(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
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Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
happy valentine’s day to me
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.