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I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
6: are snakes just neck?
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.