I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
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While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
brian had himself a morning…
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.