My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
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I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off