Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
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I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Hey I worked for it too!
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”